Conflict is Normal
Living with others comes with opportunities for learning, and sometimes this means being exposed to new understandings of sharing a space. It is normal, especially in a resident’s first or second year of living on campus, to navigate conflict with someone that they live with. In understanding this, Live On has a variety of supports and resources here to assist!
Whether roommates are best friends or students who have just met, the best way to have a successful relationship is through open, honest and respectful communication. For residents who have concerns or are struggling with a roommate, their resident assistant (RA) or intercultural aide (ICA) is there to help. RAs have received significant training in communication, mediation and conflict management. They will work with student residents to build open communication and, ultimately, a mutually agreed upon set of standards in the room for all roommates to follow
While this section speaks to roommate conflicts, the same processes apply to suitemate conflicts.
Live On’s Approach to Conflict
Per the Live On On-Campus Housing Handbook, MSU is a space of learning, and learning experiences occur in all aspects of the MSU experience, especially in the residence halls. To equip students in developing skills around self-advocacy & awareness, boundary setting, and civil conflict resolution, MSU strongly encourages roommates to first attempt to resolve any conflict themselves. If needed, assistance can be given by the residence hall staff and the REHS Diversity, Equity and Inclusion (DEI) unit.
Each MSU student has the right to sleep, study, socialize, and feel safe on campus. Additionally, no one MSU student has more rights than another MSU student. Relocation of a student without their consent is only applicable in situations determined by institutional leadership to be an immediate threat to safety, or extensive violation of campus policy.
Living Agreements
The first step to roommate conflict resolution should always be the creation of a living agreement. All MSU on-campus students will be asked to create a living agreement with their immediate roommate and are offered the opportunity to create a living agreement with their suitemates. These agreements are facilitated by REHS staff such as Resident Assistants (RAs), Assistant Community Directors (ACDs), Residence Directors (RDs) and Community Directors (CDs). If a resident has not been offered the opportunity to create or revise a living agreement, they need to contact their hall staff to initiate this process as the first step in conflict mediation.
The living agreement is not a university-enforced contract but rather an agreed-upon series of boundaries, expectations, and agreements supported by residents who share a living space. Failure to abide by an agreed upon living agreement will require revisiting the living agreement. If living agreement continues to be intentionally disregarded or interacts with university policy, the university conduct process may be initiated if deemed appropriate by the Office of Residential Care & Community Expectations. The residence hall staff can provide students a copy of the living Agreement.
Tips For Approaching Conflict
Residents should:
- First, attempt to see the perspectives of the person they are in conflict with. This may help inform the behavior they are experiencing
- Refer to the living agreement to see if there are boundaries or agreed upon expectations that can be referenced
- Address concerns directly with the individual(s) involved. Be specific about what they want to happen or change as a result of their concern and their expectations for the future.
- When addressing concerns, think about the impact of time, place, and modality. A face-to-face conversation will reduce the opportunity for misunderstanding
- Additionally, consider using “I feel statements” to speak to the impact of the concern. Remember, the conflict is with the behavior, not necessarily the person.
- Example: rather than stating “You never help take out the garbage” another option would be to try stating “I feel stressed when I come home and see the garbage can so full. Can we work together to make a schedule to take it out so we can enjoy a clean space?”
- Take time to listen to concerns from the other party that is brought up in the conversation and be open-minded to compromise. Remember: this is a shared space, so each roommate has equal rights to the expectations of the space. This does not mean that someone’s concerns are not valid but rather means that there needs to be room for compromise.
- Bullying, threats (Physical acts or verbal indications of violence, intimidation, coercion or harassment, a firm intention to cause danger to another person), or use of biased and/or discriminatory language is not tolerated by MSU.
A resident might be nervous to bring concerns to their roommate, and they may even be thinking “I’m not confrontational!” However, it is critical to note that there is a major difference between confrontation and communicating concerns. By avoiding aconversation with a roommate, one cannot make room for resolution. RAs and REHS team members are here to equip residents with the skills and encouragement to have critical and supportive conversations to mediate conflict with their roommates.
If after navigating the steps of resolution recommended by their RA residents do not get the results or change, they desire, we recommend that they take their concerns to their RA. Here, they should explain the steps they have taken to resolve the concern and be specific about what action they want the RA to take. RAs have a variety of tools at their disposal to help residents, such as coaching conversations, resource referral, and roommate mediations.
If still unsatisfied, residents should take their concerns to their Residence Education & Housing Service Team.
Roommate Mediations
A common step RAs may suggest is roommate mediation. This is a facilitated space where all parties involved have the chance to discuss concerns, be heard, and agree upon compromises. This space is designed to give autonomy to the students involved in conflict and develop critical resolution skills that will benefit you beyond living on-campus. The REHS staff member facilitating the space is present to center the conversation, share university expectations, and offer support and resources. The onus is on the residents involved to enter the mediation space with a growth mindset and ideate solutions.
Additional steps
Room Swaps
If residents are aware of another student interested in moving spaces, they may organize a room swap during specified parts of the year. A room swap is when one party trades living spaces with another. A room swap can only happen when all parties (each swapping resident and their current roommates) agree to the swap. Residents may not be bullied into a swap and have the right to decline a swap, though we encourage them to be open-minded to the conflict resolution that may potentially come with a room swap.
Room Moves
At specified times of the year, there may be opportunities for residents to add themselves to the room change waitlist. This waitlist is available on the resident’s Live On MyHousing portal. Here, residents will be asked to specify their desired room style (ex: double room) and community (ex: Case Hall). Residents will be placed off of the waitlist based on available spaces across campus and the resident’s desired placement aligning with these vacancies. Keep in mind that some communities and room styles, like single rooms, are less likely to open throughout the year, so it may be challenging to accommodate a request for some spaces.
In situations where one roommate ends up living in a double room alone, the student may be charged double the rent if the remaining roommate seems determined to be unwilling to accept a new roommate and/or resolve a roommate conflict, and the Student Conduct process may be initiated. The neighborhood assistant director of residence education will make this determination on an individual basis accommodate those requests
Diversity, Equity, & Inclusion Support
REHS works tirelessly to ensure that all residents feel safe, secure, and welcomed to the Michigan State University community. We want our residents to know that we take incidents of discrimination and/or harassment very seriously. If residents are navigating discrimination, bias, or harassment in their roommate conflict, we encourage them to report this to a REHS staff member, such as an RA, ICA, or CD immediately. If residents do not feel comfortable reaching out to the staff on-site, residents should contact the REHS DEI office for support and assistance. Residents can view their website for support, resources, and information around incident reporting here: https://liveon.msu.edu/Reporting-Discrimination
Mental Health Support
The challenges, feelings, and adjustments that come with living with another person can be stressful, especially if this is a lifestyle transition for a resident. It is normal to experience stress in tandem with a roommate conflict. However, just because this situation is a stressor, this does not mean it is an unmanageable stressor. MSU has a plethora of resources to support coping skills and care.
Counseling and Psychiatric Services (CAPS)
Location: 463 E Circle Dr 3rd Fl, East Lansing, MI 48824
Phone Number: (517) 355-8270 Hours: (M-F) 8am-5pm Website: https://caps.msu.edu
Services: 24/7 crisis hotline. Drop-in crisis counseling, initial consultation, referral coordination, group counseling
Notes: Three free visits per student for therapy/psychiatric services, free 10–15-minute consultations available, free group counseling programs around identity, support, therapy, and interpersonal skill
Name: Thriving Campus
Website: https://msu.thrivingcampus.com
Services: Connecting to off campus mental health services
Name: Community Support Division
Phone Number: (517) 355-2221
Website: https://dpps.msu.edu/survivor-support/community-support-division
Services: Community care unit detectives and officers who respond to reports of possible threat of harm to self or others in the community
Name: Resource Center for Persons with Disabilities (RCPD)
Location: 434 Farm Lane, Rm. 120, East Lansing, MI 48824-1033
Phone Number: (517) 884-7273
Hours: (M-F) 8am-5pm
Website: https://www.rcpd.msu.edu
Name: Stabilize, Educate, Empower, Collaborate
Location: 463 E Circle Dr 3rd Fl, East Lansing, MI 48824
Phone Number: (517) 355-8270
Hours: (M-F) 8am-5pm Website: https://caps.msu.edu/services/seec.html
Services: Psychotherapy, psychiatric services, support system intervention, hospitalization support and coordination
Services: Register for accommodations, disability services, accessibility resources
Reporting Policy Violations
Residents should understand that some things they share (e.g., hazing, suicidal statements, statements to harm self or others, criminal act, etc.) may not be held confidential and must be acted upon.
The Residential Care & Community Expectations team (RCCE) can only address concerns they are made aware of. If a resident needs to report policy violations, they should connect with their RA (or the RA on Duty Phone number between 7:00 AM and 7:00 PM)
If a resident is aware of policy concerns, they should be mindful of University Housing Regulation - Failure to vacate: As per University Housing Regulation 1.8 - No person shall remain in the vicinity of an ongoing policy violation of which they have knowledge.
Family Rights & Privacy Act
In alignment with the Family Education Rights and Privacy Act (FERPA), The positions and responsibilities that Residence Education & Housing Services staff members hold are student-centered, and therefore they are unable to share specific details with parties outside of the direct students navigating conflict or outside of MSU partners on an educational need-to-know basis.
When our team receives concerns about roommate conflicts, their first step is to encourage the student seeking support to connect with Live On staff directly so that they can work with them to provide options for solutions. We ask then that the student be the one to provide any needed updates to their family and other supporters, as our team is unable to due to the federal regulation of FERPA.
